The tri organization that I belong to is part of insul(in)dependence. I like puns, so ... good name.
I've been thinking about dependence. My mom worried a lot. My reaction? I'll go out and do the thing that worries you, I just won't tell, so you won't worry.
My reaction to diabetes was similar. Putting limits on me? Screw you! I'll go out and run a marathon, I'll show you, fists up....
This works well, sometimes. Certainly it makes life exciting, in a screw you kind of way. Being disobedient can be fun. Wahoo - independence!
But I think that I need to learn how to be dependent too, and I am really bad at that. As I put myself into the hands of many, many doctors, and as I look into my future and see the possibility that some day I might be more dependent and need care, I realize that this is a skill that I need to learn. Possibly the most important skill of all, for me. How to depend on others while still maintaining a strong sense of self-worth and self-direction.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tri Training
Great fun. Running around the park trails like a track this morning. I've been running late all week, though, so my run was only about 30 minutes. Ah well, I keep on telling myself that running is still running, even if it could be ... more running.
And the biking. I biked to work and then 10 km more on Monday morning. Lovely stuff, in the rain. I love biking in the rain.
The swimming? Not so much. I was having up and down, up and down, up and down blood sugars and every time I decided to go swimming I thought the better of it. Detaching from my pump and my meter in times like those times is just not a logical option. I need to work on having fewer of those times or figure out WHEN the heck I can go swimming without making my blood sugar go nuts. Maybe in my sleep? There's a thought.
And for my tri training, biking, sustainably moving friends! A lovely contest for a cargo bike! Now carrying two kids up a hill: that's good training.
Can't get the link to work? Try:
MADSEN Cargo Bikes
And the biking. I biked to work and then 10 km more on Monday morning. Lovely stuff, in the rain. I love biking in the rain.
The swimming? Not so much. I was having up and down, up and down, up and down blood sugars and every time I decided to go swimming I thought the better of it. Detaching from my pump and my meter in times like those times is just not a logical option. I need to work on having fewer of those times or figure out WHEN the heck I can go swimming without making my blood sugar go nuts. Maybe in my sleep? There's a thought.
And for my tri training, biking, sustainably moving friends! A lovely contest for a cargo bike! Now carrying two kids up a hill: that's good training.
Can't get the link to work? Try:
MADSEN Cargo Bikes
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Green D - A wink to Mama
From a comment on one of my previous posts, a nod to those who are ready to judge, particularly about the lack of greenness of chronic illness. Sustainable chronic illness, a whole new realm of environmental activism! Sounds exciting?
Seriously, though - I have considered it. I am an environmental educator, after all. And the fact that my pump only takes standard batteries that don't recharge? That sucks. Apparently the pump doesn't recognize that the batteries work unless they have a complete charge, and only disposables appear to have a full charge.
So I purchase disposable batteries, and a lot of them. My sensor alarms drain battery power like you wouldn't believe. What do I do? I put the batteries into the hazardous waste container in our church, so they don't go into the landfill. I'm investigating the new Enviromax batteries that they have at health food stores, though I expect that they'll generally be a little more expensive than the current ones that I use. But not by much, surprisingly.
And how about this super funky idea? Using the body's energy to power the extra parts that some of us need to live? Wow. This could be the basis of a pump could be implanted, a closed loop system.
What else? Pump supplies come in major packaging. Some is paper, easy to recycle. Our community has a recycling day once a month, and at the moment I am saving the weird little packages to give to the people who collect weird little packages for recycling.
My current pet peeve? Fed Ex-ing supplies. Yes, sometimes it's an emergency, and I'm all for sending my goodies on a quick trip on the plane. But an extra part that I might need for my pump someday? Not so much. Let us make a choice how we want things shipped.
And yes, my insulin. I'm sure it's a fabulous concoction of stuff derived through mad scientist-like experiments, combined with some really great preservatives. Ick. But you know, it keeps me alive, and I am grateful for that. I know that there are animal insulins out there that are less removed what's natural, but I find that the system I use right now works for me most of the time, so I'm sticking to it. Preservatives be danged. Genetically-modified mad scientist cackling be danged. Fingers in ears. La la la.
Let's not forget self-forgiveness. If I can eat local most of the time but eat avocadoes some of the time, I can forgive myself for using disposable batteries to power my existance.
Seriously, though - I have considered it. I am an environmental educator, after all. And the fact that my pump only takes standard batteries that don't recharge? That sucks. Apparently the pump doesn't recognize that the batteries work unless they have a complete charge, and only disposables appear to have a full charge.
So I purchase disposable batteries, and a lot of them. My sensor alarms drain battery power like you wouldn't believe. What do I do? I put the batteries into the hazardous waste container in our church, so they don't go into the landfill. I'm investigating the new Enviromax batteries that they have at health food stores, though I expect that they'll generally be a little more expensive than the current ones that I use. But not by much, surprisingly.
And how about this super funky idea? Using the body's energy to power the extra parts that some of us need to live? Wow. This could be the basis of a pump could be implanted, a closed loop system.
What else? Pump supplies come in major packaging. Some is paper, easy to recycle. Our community has a recycling day once a month, and at the moment I am saving the weird little packages to give to the people who collect weird little packages for recycling.
My current pet peeve? Fed Ex-ing supplies. Yes, sometimes it's an emergency, and I'm all for sending my goodies on a quick trip on the plane. But an extra part that I might need for my pump someday? Not so much. Let us make a choice how we want things shipped.
And yes, my insulin. I'm sure it's a fabulous concoction of stuff derived through mad scientist-like experiments, combined with some really great preservatives. Ick. But you know, it keeps me alive, and I am grateful for that. I know that there are animal insulins out there that are less removed what's natural, but I find that the system I use right now works for me most of the time, so I'm sticking to it. Preservatives be danged. Genetically-modified mad scientist cackling be danged. Fingers in ears. La la la.
Let's not forget self-forgiveness. If I can eat local most of the time but eat avocadoes some of the time, I can forgive myself for using disposable batteries to power my existance.
Friday, June 12, 2009
The other rant
Some days, I've had it with doctors. I love my new health care team, but honestly, every time I go to see one, I head off into a new realm of worry. First it's my feet. Then my thyroid. Then my cholesterol. Then my cholesterol's actually not too bad. And my thyroid is actually somewhat ok. And my feet are probably damaged from running, not diabetes. Life is good. Then I have another appointment.
Like the other day. I went to the opthamologist, who asked me how my blood sugar control is. Now, it's been difficult due to seasonal allergies, so that is what I told him. He told me I should keep my cholesterol down, due to a comment by my GP. The comment by the GP is actually based on a conversation I had with her in which we concluded that my lousy cholesterol of last year was caused by excessive quantities of Cornish Pasties eaten during a trip to England. I shudder to think about the cholesterol levels of the average pasty-eating Brit.
Actually, my cholesterol is ok. Not fabulous, but ok. However, she noted in my chart that we had a discussion about it, therefore the opthamologist tells me sternly to control my blood sugar and my cholesterol...and I have to explain the above and sound like a rambling, excuse-making, non-compliant person.
I get tired of being scolded for something new every time I see a new doctor. It's tiring. It uses up my mental energy. And you know, they should try living with serious allergies, hormones, and diabetes. Sure, it's easy to scold someone and tell them to be perfect. But perfection isn't possible with this disease, at least not for me. And telling me that I fail to be perfect at every turn isn't really all that helpful. Support, empathy, and a small amount of understanding would be a good alternative.
Like the other day. I went to the opthamologist, who asked me how my blood sugar control is. Now, it's been difficult due to seasonal allergies, so that is what I told him. He told me I should keep my cholesterol down, due to a comment by my GP. The comment by the GP is actually based on a conversation I had with her in which we concluded that my lousy cholesterol of last year was caused by excessive quantities of Cornish Pasties eaten during a trip to England. I shudder to think about the cholesterol levels of the average pasty-eating Brit.
Actually, my cholesterol is ok. Not fabulous, but ok. However, she noted in my chart that we had a discussion about it, therefore the opthamologist tells me sternly to control my blood sugar and my cholesterol...and I have to explain the above and sound like a rambling, excuse-making, non-compliant person.
I get tired of being scolded for something new every time I see a new doctor. It's tiring. It uses up my mental energy. And you know, they should try living with serious allergies, hormones, and diabetes. Sure, it's easy to scold someone and tell them to be perfect. But perfection isn't possible with this disease, at least not for me. And telling me that I fail to be perfect at every turn isn't really all that helpful. Support, empathy, and a small amount of understanding would be a good alternative.
Choice
A couple of pent up rants from the last few weeks.
Since I hang out with a relatively crunchy crowd, I knew that it was only a matter of time before someone told me that it is not good to have radio waves and batteries next to your body all the time. Electromagnetic fields and all that.
So, it finally happened. And I was crochety. It's hard to explain to someone that sometimes there isn't the luxury of choice when you have a chronic illness. Yes, I could go off the pump and the sensor. However, that would mean much worse control than I have at the moment. Fewer electromagnetic fields messing me up, more blood sugar agony messing me up.
So I choose the technology that comes with the batteries and the radio waves, because I've determined that it's what is best for me in the long run. I could be wrong. Sometimes, it's all about choosing the least bad option. Unfortunately. And that's something that healthy people don't necessarily understand.
Since I hang out with a relatively crunchy crowd, I knew that it was only a matter of time before someone told me that it is not good to have radio waves and batteries next to your body all the time. Electromagnetic fields and all that.
So, it finally happened. And I was crochety. It's hard to explain to someone that sometimes there isn't the luxury of choice when you have a chronic illness. Yes, I could go off the pump and the sensor. However, that would mean much worse control than I have at the moment. Fewer electromagnetic fields messing me up, more blood sugar agony messing me up.
So I choose the technology that comes with the batteries and the radio waves, because I've determined that it's what is best for me in the long run. I could be wrong. Sometimes, it's all about choosing the least bad option. Unfortunately. And that's something that healthy people don't necessarily understand.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thank you
I've been sick on and off since January - mostly on. Although I did have those nice six weeks of allergies when I wasn't actually sick sick, just feeling crummy.
Two weeks ago I had no voice and had to stay home for the week. Now I have an obnoxious head cold that caused me no end of lost sleep last night.
You know what? I'm feeling grateful. When I'm healthy and feeling good, which is the odd day here and there - boy, I feel good. I put the feel good into feeling good. And when I'm sick, which is the norm these days, I'm still grateful - for my home, my garden, my family (not necessarily in that order). Oh, and ice cream. I am very grateful for chocolate ice cream.
I'm grateful that I can lose track of my daughter at church or around our neighborhood and feel like she's in good hands. I love it that so many people are working on the things that I feel are important in life. I love it that I can harvest rhubarb from my garden. I love it that when I feel good, I don't take it for granted.
Two weeks ago I had no voice and had to stay home for the week. Now I have an obnoxious head cold that caused me no end of lost sleep last night.
You know what? I'm feeling grateful. When I'm healthy and feeling good, which is the odd day here and there - boy, I feel good. I put the feel good into feeling good. And when I'm sick, which is the norm these days, I'm still grateful - for my home, my garden, my family (not necessarily in that order). Oh, and ice cream. I am very grateful for chocolate ice cream.
I'm grateful that I can lose track of my daughter at church or around our neighborhood and feel like she's in good hands. I love it that so many people are working on the things that I feel are important in life. I love it that I can harvest rhubarb from my garden. I love it that when I feel good, I don't take it for granted.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
The rule of thirds
There seem to be many rules in diabetes management. The biggest one is that once you know the rules, they no longer work.
I've been very, very good lately. I'm trying to restrict my carbs to the level that works for me. I know where this is, I just don't always like doing it. I hear about people on the Atkins and Bernstein diets who say that their blood sugar is under fabulous control almost all the time. I'm not doing Atkins here, but I really doubt whether that would work for me.
You see, I've figured out that for me, blood sugar is only 1/3 about food. If I control the food, that leaves 2/3 left for general wonkiness.
Another 1/3 of my blood sugar control is about monthly hormone shifts. I've got those down, though they do require constant vigilance and management. I do understand them, though.
The last 1/3 is the wild card. This includes the impact of exercise in the moment, the long term impacts of exercise, stress, illness, site failures, tubing bubbles, insulin weirdness, seasonal allergies (a huge one right now) and the influence of the conjunction of the planets. Or something. Even if I have the first 2/3 of the blood sugar management sorted out, the last third sneaks up on me. Like now. Eating well, not at any particularly awful time of the month, and I've got alder pollen. I'm running a 200% basal these days and still making corrections. Yummy.
I wonder and shake my head in amazement at those with diabetes who manage to keep their blood sugar flat most of the time. Maybe they're all post-menopausal women (or men) who have no allergies, never experience stress or illness (or don't have a three year old in preschool) and lead a very predictable life? Methinks not. Anyway, I gape and I wonder and I applaud. And I also applaud those who struggle with blood sugar that's out of control, and I don't judge. Because sometimes that last third comes to bite you, and there's very little you can do about it.
I've been very, very good lately. I'm trying to restrict my carbs to the level that works for me. I know where this is, I just don't always like doing it. I hear about people on the Atkins and Bernstein diets who say that their blood sugar is under fabulous control almost all the time. I'm not doing Atkins here, but I really doubt whether that would work for me.
You see, I've figured out that for me, blood sugar is only 1/3 about food. If I control the food, that leaves 2/3 left for general wonkiness.
Another 1/3 of my blood sugar control is about monthly hormone shifts. I've got those down, though they do require constant vigilance and management. I do understand them, though.
The last 1/3 is the wild card. This includes the impact of exercise in the moment, the long term impacts of exercise, stress, illness, site failures, tubing bubbles, insulin weirdness, seasonal allergies (a huge one right now) and the influence of the conjunction of the planets. Or something. Even if I have the first 2/3 of the blood sugar management sorted out, the last third sneaks up on me. Like now. Eating well, not at any particularly awful time of the month, and I've got alder pollen. I'm running a 200% basal these days and still making corrections. Yummy.
I wonder and shake my head in amazement at those with diabetes who manage to keep their blood sugar flat most of the time. Maybe they're all post-menopausal women (or men) who have no allergies, never experience stress or illness (or don't have a three year old in preschool) and lead a very predictable life? Methinks not. Anyway, I gape and I wonder and I applaud. And I also applaud those who struggle with blood sugar that's out of control, and I don't judge. Because sometimes that last third comes to bite you, and there's very little you can do about it.
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