Do I fail now?

When I was diagnosed, I got my A1C down into the 5's really quickly. I've always been a perfectionist. But perfectionism has its down side. I had no leeway. I'd go low at the drop of a hat. I started to lose my hypo awareness, and that is a lifesaver. What's the point of living with no complications if I go from a hypo in the middle of the night?

So I started to back off. Luckily for me, my hypo awareness comes back as easily as it goes. My A1C went up a little, still in the 5's. My wild blood sugar swings and severe lows stablized a bit.

Then, after a few scary lows in the middle of the night, I vowed that I would pay out of pocket for sensors. I love my sensor. I love the feeling that I have a fall-back, that I know how my blood sugar is trending.

My sensor has also allowed me to be aggressive with corrections, to eat more normally (within reason), and to exercise in a planned and well-structured way. It's also raised my A1C to 6, for the last 9 months.

People with type 1 are supposed to keep an A1C under 7 to reduce the risk of complications. The mid-5's are considered too low by many doctors - unless you're able to do this without a lot of major lows. I am very insulin-sensitive, and stress, hormones and exercise mess with my blood sugar a lot. It's hard to achieve the mid-5's with few lows.

So I've worked with the sensor to shift my blood sugar up a little, to reduce extreme lows and highs. Standard deviation of your blood sugar is almost as important as your A1C, apparently. The smaller the swings, the better.

On the sensor, I swing less but I have a higher average. And I don't like it. In the 5's I felt so perfect, like I'd figured it all out and would have diabetes beat. At 6, I feel like one of many imperfect people, even though I know it's more healthy and my doctors commend me on my excellent control.

I guess that my inner perfectionist from high school - the gal who got straight A's - she hasn't been banished after all. I'll continue to be sensible and work on stablizing blood sugar, but dang...wouldn't I like to see those 5's again.