On Trust

Something inside me is broken. Yeah, I know…it’s my pancreas. But when I was diagnosed with diabetes, something else broke too – my trust in my body.

I used to have survivalist fantasies about the end of the world. With all of my ecological knowledge (hah! Right!), I’d head off into the wilderness and survive on my own. I’d live out my happy hippie dream of living off the land. When you need insulin and you depend on the global medical system to survive, there’s not a hope in heck of that happening. Sure, it was a fantasy, but it gave me trust in the ability of my body to get through anything I could throw at it.

I approached pregnancy the same way. I don’t believe that women are broken. I believe in my body’s capacity to create life and nurture it and give birth to a child. That broke too, because without modern medicine my daughter and I wouldn’t be here.

Now running is starting to give me a bit of that trust back. I still have to use my brain to overcome my body’s challenges, but I am starting to feel like I can do things. Things like run a LONG WAY.

There’s another trick I’m trying too. It’s a mental construct that’s working for me in some respects.

You see, another blogger posted about a young woman who believes that cancer is the body’s failed attempt at self-repair. Our bodies haven’t learned how to regrow damaged parts, but cancer is trying. It’s part of an evolution.

I like this idea. I can see how it might relate to autoimmune disorders, too. Recent research pointed to the fact that pancreatic cells aren’t getting the “go juice” that they need, and this triggers and autoimmune process. So you see, my body is getting rid of a part that is damaged. Smart body. It just hasn’t figured out how to clean out the damaged parts and regrow a new one. One day, maybe all of these cancers and autoimmune disorders will result in STRONGER people. People who are more resilient. People who can restore themselves.

And my body, right now, is part of that evolution.

This makes me trust a little bit more.