For every season...

I'm becoming more accepting of the seasons in my life.

The last few years, I've been balancing writing, crafts, exercise, volunteer work, and general down time. In the winter, I beat myself up for not exercising. In the summer, I beat myself up about not knitting. Uh huh. Not knitting.

Anyway, I've decided that I have a dormant period. It's called winter. Yes, I toboggan and walk in the snow, and I am comfortable running in the rain in the fall and the spring. But when winter comes with its dark mornings and evenings, I enjoy quiet time at home in the evenings. I have no desire to go out and run in the dark, cold, and ice. Yes, I know that's what treadmills are for, but to be honest I'd prefer to spend those long, dark evenings knitting, felting, and sewing!

In the summer I have no inclination to craft. I'm outside in my garden, I'm running, and I'm swimming in the pool in our townhouse complex. I don't have an urge to do Christmas crafting or other crafting. At all. While dedicated crafters are working on their Christmas goodies, I'm harvesting mizuna or running in the local forests.

Balance is often about pursuing what makes me joyful in that moment instead of carefully carrying everything at the same time.

So apparently my feet aren't all that touchy-feely anymore. They've always been dodgy, even pre-diabetes, so I'm not surprised. I need to take care that little one doesn't run over them with trucks, that I don't get blisters, etc.

Apparently acupuncture has good results for nerve damage in feet and so does cayenne cream. I think that's what it is. I can't spell the actual name at the moment. Also going to try alpha-lipoic acid. It's good that I'm getting some contract work so that I can actually afford these supplements!

I must avoid visions of me with no feet. I'm going to cut down on my carbs again and try to reduce my A1C slightly, while keeping to few lows. Sigh. That is hard. I'm pretty insulin sensitive, so it's hard to live on the lower side of normal because any missteps and I end up in the basement, blood sugar wise.

On the plus side, it is sunny, slightly snowy, and very cool, and we're going for a hike!

Thought of the Day

I am not afraid of what might come in the future.
I am sensible instead. I manage things. I organize life so it's easier to manage diabetes. And I forgive myself a lot.

I don't fear, and I don't worry. Why would I spend my precious energy doing that, when I could be living? As things come, I will deal with them. I will grieve, I will be angry, and then I will manage them as a part of life, whatever that life might look like.

I am not afraid.

So I got the synthroid and felt a lot, lot, lot better for about 5 days. I had energy coursing through my body. It was fabulous. Felt like I was on some illicit drug.

And then my darling daughter got the flu. She bounced back in a couple of days. Me, I've had it for a week now and it is only today that I've started to feel like one of the living again.

Illness with diabetes is never fun. On Sunday I woke up with high ketones, zero energy, spent the whole day sipping water and staring blankly at the wall. Now, high ketones would usually call for a emergency visit since I NEVER get them, but since I'd also been eating almost nothing for three days I thought that I would give eating a try.

So, three blood sugar excursions into the high teens later, I had three successful meals and mild ketones. Success? Um, perhaps.

This illness has made me realize how ill-prepared our house is for me to get sick. Particularly in the food department. Dh's mom kindly went off and got us a ton of food so we didn't starve, but in high bg land, banana bread and mueslix just can't happen. Actually, they don't happen in my regular life either. Step one after this: have a lot of food on hand that I can prepare and eat.

I went to the clinic early this week to make sure my cough wasn't anything more dire. I just...couldn't breathe, nothing serious. I know that the receptionist was having a bad day, or perhaps she dislikes sick people. However, when asked to list my medications and sensitivities, yes, I have a list longer than four. And no, you don't need to look at me like that. You know. Like that. Next time I come in with my list of ailments, medications, and "no I can't take that's," I will explain sadly, calmly and quietly, "Yes, I never thought that my life of hard drugs would come knocking so early, but let this be a lesson..."And then I will sit down, pull out my knitting and my tea, and whistle.

Ok, I can see why you might not like sick people. ;-)

And Now for Something Completely Different (But somehow similar)

A man with three...
No.

So I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. An urgent weekend one. Fun times. Apparently my thyroid is whacked. Might explain a few things: depression, hair loss, foggy brain, tiredness, difficulty sleeping, slight shortness of breath.

I am upset about this. When will this autoimmune insanity stop? Why can't my body stop attacking itself? Doesn't it realize that I kind of need these organs? Organ functioning is a useful thing, hmm?

The good sides of this: would also explain my elevated cholesterol (thyroid wackiness will do that to cholesterol), and my horrible blood sugars of the last weeks (autoimmune attack).

It's been coming. I was subclinical for some time, enlarged thyroid. I knew it was going to happen. It's just...I don't want to deal with it. Once I was healthy. That was four years ago.

Dang it, I was the person who ground her own bread flour in grade eight and recycled and ate organic and used nontoxic cleaners before just about anyone else. Yeah, I know that doesn't earn me any cosmic brownie points when it comes to my health, but when I have done so many things right...why do things go so wrong?

Acceptance

We were at a dinner party. One person said, "So since all of these people you know are getting pregnant, does that make you really want to get pregnant?"

No more than usual.

Someone else chimed in, "Yes, I hear that having a second pregnancy can be really good for peoples' diabetes."

Well, since type one diabetes is not curable, I doubt it would work for me.

Arg. I walked out of the room.

First off, yes, I do want another child. My dh does not. I would be willing to go through pregnancy with diabetes. I think that I have coping strategies for sleep deprivation, though those would likely go out the window when I was actually seriously sleep deprived. But you know what? The decision is not because of my health. I'm not willing to bring a child into a relationship where one partner absolutely does not want that child. And that partner who doesn't want one? Despite the fact that I have diabetes, that partner is NOT ME.

Let's deconstruct. Curing diabetes with pregnancy. Pregnancy is challenging with type one. It doesn't improve things. How can something that pushes your body's systems improve things? And breastfeeding another...while it does lower blood sugar, from past experience I know that all night breastfeeding can also lead to severe low blood sugar.

The main thing that drives me crazy about these comments is the desire to cure me. People with any chronic illness work on accepting it. That's all you can do. Yes, you can work to manage it and work and hope for a cure. But a lot of this is about acceptance. It really is. And you know, those people with the good intentions who pat you on the shoulder and tell you that it's not so bad, there will be a cure next year? They don't help.

An imaginary cure is useful for people. It provides a way to sideline the situation. You will be cured. You are cured. Everything is fine. I've solved the problem. You're no longer dealing with this. Let's move on now.

Carefully-honed acceptance is a fine, fine thing. It's not a default emotional position. It's something I've worked on and thought through. Let it be.

Not so bloggy lately

For some reason, over the solstice and Christmas season I came down with a bad case of the midlife meltdown. Current obsessions include the upcoming climate crisis and how this is going to impact all of our lives. I'm also railing quite a bit against any things in my life that seem to enforce a structure on me...or limit my options in any way.

Despite an absolutely grotty day of blood sugar, I'm finding the day to day grind of diabetes to be somewhat mindless. My resolution is to test more often to cross-check my sensor, though. Sometimes it is bang on, other times it's rather off. I used to test 15 times a day with no sensor, and I'd like to get back at at least 8.

Anyway, with all of my current survivalist and permaculture tendencies, I'm opening the application process for an insulin tree. I figure, I've got to be able to grow it in my backyard if I can't grow it in my pancreas, right? Maybe I can grow a pancreas vine while I'm at it.

Must go to sleep, I think.