Choice

A couple of pent up rants from the last few weeks.

Since I hang out with a relatively crunchy crowd, I knew that it was only a matter of time before someone told me that it is not good to have radio waves and batteries next to your body all the time. Electromagnetic fields and all that.

So, it finally happened. And I was crochety. It's hard to explain to someone that sometimes there isn't the luxury of choice when you have a chronic illness. Yes, I could go off the pump and the sensor. However, that would mean much worse control than I have at the moment. Fewer electromagnetic fields messing me up, more blood sugar agony messing me up.

So I choose the technology that comes with the batteries and the radio waves, because I've determined that it's what is best for me in the long run. I could be wrong. Sometimes, it's all about choosing the least bad option. Unfortunately. And that's something that healthy people don't necessarily understand.

Thank you

I've been sick on and off since January - mostly on. Although I did have those nice six weeks of allergies when I wasn't actually sick sick, just feeling crummy.

Two weeks ago I had no voice and had to stay home for the week. Now I have an obnoxious head cold that caused me no end of lost sleep last night.

You know what? I'm feeling grateful. When I'm healthy and feeling good, which is the odd day here and there - boy, I feel good. I put the feel good into feeling good. And when I'm sick, which is the norm these days, I'm still grateful - for my home, my garden, my family (not necessarily in that order). Oh, and ice cream. I am very grateful for chocolate ice cream.

I'm grateful that I can lose track of my daughter at church or around our neighborhood and feel like she's in good hands. I love it that so many people are working on the things that I feel are important in life. I love it that I can harvest rhubarb from my garden. I love it that when I feel good, I don't take it for granted.

The rule of thirds

There seem to be many rules in diabetes management. The biggest one is that once you know the rules, they no longer work.

I've been very, very good lately. I'm trying to restrict my carbs to the level that works for me. I know where this is, I just don't always like doing it. I hear about people on the Atkins and Bernstein diets who say that their blood sugar is under fabulous control almost all the time. I'm not doing Atkins here, but I really doubt whether that would work for me.

You see, I've figured out that for me, blood sugar is only 1/3 about food. If I control the food, that leaves 2/3 left for general wonkiness.

Another 1/3 of my blood sugar control is about monthly hormone shifts. I've got those down, though they do require constant vigilance and management. I do understand them, though.

The last 1/3 is the wild card. This includes the impact of exercise in the moment, the long term impacts of exercise, stress, illness, site failures, tubing bubbles, insulin weirdness, seasonal allergies (a huge one right now) and the influence of the conjunction of the planets. Or something. Even if I have the first 2/3 of the blood sugar management sorted out, the last third sneaks up on me. Like now. Eating well, not at any particularly awful time of the month, and I've got alder pollen. I'm running a 200% basal these days and still making corrections. Yummy.

I wonder and shake my head in amazement at those with diabetes who manage to keep their blood sugar flat most of the time. Maybe they're all post-menopausal women (or men) who have no allergies, never experience stress or illness (or don't have a three year old in preschool) and lead a very predictable life? Methinks not. Anyway, I gape and I wonder and I applaud. And I also applaud those who struggle with blood sugar that's out of control, and I don't judge. Because sometimes that last third comes to bite you, and there's very little you can do about it.

For every season...

I'm becoming more accepting of the seasons in my life.

The last few years, I've been balancing writing, crafts, exercise, volunteer work, and general down time. In the winter, I beat myself up for not exercising. In the summer, I beat myself up about not knitting. Uh huh. Not knitting.

Anyway, I've decided that I have a dormant period. It's called winter. Yes, I toboggan and walk in the snow, and I am comfortable running in the rain in the fall and the spring. But when winter comes with its dark mornings and evenings, I enjoy quiet time at home in the evenings. I have no desire to go out and run in the dark, cold, and ice. Yes, I know that's what treadmills are for, but to be honest I'd prefer to spend those long, dark evenings knitting, felting, and sewing!

In the summer I have no inclination to craft. I'm outside in my garden, I'm running, and I'm swimming in the pool in our townhouse complex. I don't have an urge to do Christmas crafting or other crafting. At all. While dedicated crafters are working on their Christmas goodies, I'm harvesting mizuna or running in the local forests.

Balance is often about pursuing what makes me joyful in that moment instead of carefully carrying everything at the same time.

So apparently my feet aren't all that touchy-feely anymore. They've always been dodgy, even pre-diabetes, so I'm not surprised. I need to take care that little one doesn't run over them with trucks, that I don't get blisters, etc.

Apparently acupuncture has good results for nerve damage in feet and so does cayenne cream. I think that's what it is. I can't spell the actual name at the moment. Also going to try alpha-lipoic acid. It's good that I'm getting some contract work so that I can actually afford these supplements!

I must avoid visions of me with no feet. I'm going to cut down on my carbs again and try to reduce my A1C slightly, while keeping to few lows. Sigh. That is hard. I'm pretty insulin sensitive, so it's hard to live on the lower side of normal because any missteps and I end up in the basement, blood sugar wise.

On the plus side, it is sunny, slightly snowy, and very cool, and we're going for a hike!

Thought of the Day

I am not afraid of what might come in the future.
I am sensible instead. I manage things. I organize life so it's easier to manage diabetes. And I forgive myself a lot.

I don't fear, and I don't worry. Why would I spend my precious energy doing that, when I could be living? As things come, I will deal with them. I will grieve, I will be angry, and then I will manage them as a part of life, whatever that life might look like.

I am not afraid.

So I got the synthroid and felt a lot, lot, lot better for about 5 days. I had energy coursing through my body. It was fabulous. Felt like I was on some illicit drug.

And then my darling daughter got the flu. She bounced back in a couple of days. Me, I've had it for a week now and it is only today that I've started to feel like one of the living again.

Illness with diabetes is never fun. On Sunday I woke up with high ketones, zero energy, spent the whole day sipping water and staring blankly at the wall. Now, high ketones would usually call for a emergency visit since I NEVER get them, but since I'd also been eating almost nothing for three days I thought that I would give eating a try.

So, three blood sugar excursions into the high teens later, I had three successful meals and mild ketones. Success? Um, perhaps.

This illness has made me realize how ill-prepared our house is for me to get sick. Particularly in the food department. Dh's mom kindly went off and got us a ton of food so we didn't starve, but in high bg land, banana bread and mueslix just can't happen. Actually, they don't happen in my regular life either. Step one after this: have a lot of food on hand that I can prepare and eat.

I went to the clinic early this week to make sure my cough wasn't anything more dire. I just...couldn't breathe, nothing serious. I know that the receptionist was having a bad day, or perhaps she dislikes sick people. However, when asked to list my medications and sensitivities, yes, I have a list longer than four. And no, you don't need to look at me like that. You know. Like that. Next time I come in with my list of ailments, medications, and "no I can't take that's," I will explain sadly, calmly and quietly, "Yes, I never thought that my life of hard drugs would come knocking so early, but let this be a lesson..."And then I will sit down, pull out my knitting and my tea, and whistle.

Ok, I can see why you might not like sick people. ;-)